the body positive post

With Easter fast approaching, so can be the negative body image thoughts. I used to find holidays that are surrounded by food always a bit difficult to enjoy, so I thought I'd write a bit about it.

Let's just jump into the deep end, shall we? I am a survivor of an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa to be precise. When I was a teenager, the idea of being 'healthy' and looking good turned from a goal to an obsession. Without intention of awareness I fell into an all-consuming battle with my body that I'm not sure that I will ever fully recover from. At my lowest point I was 47 kilos, not eating anything except for some avocado on low-calorie crackers once or twice a day, and hating myself every single day.

The road to recovery is a long, slow and difficult one. The thing about eating disorders is that they are mostly mental, it's a battle of self-control and self-perception. They always say things have to get worse before they get better. As I was forced to come face to face with the ugly demon that was anorexia, I spiraled down further. I started binge eating to over-compensate for the lack of eating, which was followed by purging. Food became my ultimate enemy.

Having this happen during what felt like the most important time in my life: high school, definitely did not help. In an environment full of raging hormones, judgement from your peers, and the constant comparison of bodies and popularity and grades being directly linked to your self-worth, I found it hard to stop myself. Losing the weight made me feel like I was 'prettier', more worthy of friends or like because of it I had earned peoples friendship. My happiness and self-worth became directly linked to how small I could get myself, because being skinny meant I was pretty, in my young mind, that was the single most important thing you could ever be.

I feel like I've wasted so much of my life hating myself and constantly criticizing my body. My

God, what a waste of time. My negativity poisoned my life, how can you be truly living with that cloud over your head. It feels like it was such a long time ago now, but those thoughts are something that are always going to be a part of my life. I don't think you can every be fully 'cured' from an eating disorder. The invasive thoughts telling me I'm 'fat' or 'gross' or don't deserve to be loved will always be there, but they are manageable now, quieter. I am in control of my life and my mind and my body, not the demon.

Sadly, I know that I wasn't the only one in my school that struggled with this, let alone in the rest of the world. This body positive movement I am seeing all over the internet and in magazines and books brings my soul such joy, it's so wonderful to see all these beautiful people taking charge of their bodies and minds and spreading that positivity throughout.

Instead of hating on our bodies we should celebrate them! Think of all of the amazing things they can do! We can walk and talk, we can digest delicious food to fuel our bodies so they function properly. We can pet dogs and laugh and cry and laugh until we cry, we can carry children and run marathons and swim across the ocean. We should be proud of what our bodies can accomplish. My body has helped me to survive an eating disorder and come out the other side OK. It's shown me that I'm capable of anything: I've run a half marathon, I've squatted half my body weight, I've danced like there's no tomorrow, I've hiked to the top of hills, I've run into the ocean naked, I've grown from a girl into a woman. A woman I kind of like.

Don't let your perception of your body limit your life, as important as it seems to you (and I know this is a cliche), but no one else is even really looking at it, let alone judging it. In a world where we see hundreds of advertisements a day, depicting what the 'ideal' body type looks like, it's hard to not let that impact you. You're only human after all and body dysmorphia is a very real thing. But remember, you are the only person in control of your body and mind. Don't let it get you down, 99% of those photos are photo-shopped anyway. Even the models don't look like that!

So please, enjoy your life! It's the only one you have and this is the only body you will have. If you look after it properly it will take you everywhere you need to go. Don't let negative thoughts control you, you are in control. You got this! Don't let his lovely Easter holiday be poisoned by it, enjoy as much or as little chocolate as you please. Celebrate! Celebrate this life and celebrate yourself because you are INCREDIBLE.

Lots and lots of love,

Courtney xx

#selflove #confidence #bodypositivity #mentalhealth #health #eatingdisorder #fitness