alcohol and me

I love alcohol. The taste of it, the feeling of intoxication, getting drowsier and mellower. I love how the city becomes so romanticised and brighter than when I’m sober, like I can see its soul, like it’s alive. It feels like time slows down and I am invincible. I can do anything, achieve anything, be anyone or no one. I could run away if I wanted to. I feel so peaceful and so explosively happy, and that feeling is addictive.

Late on a Saturday night I sat in the dark and dingy bathroom of a bar, there was a big mirror along the wall. I was quite drunk. I saw myself in the mirror and said, ‘I feel so fucking happy’, ignoring that little voice in the back of my head. The next week I went out on a Friday, I had made plans with someone to go out together after some work drinks, but I ‘accidentally’ got drunk and cancelled on them. I felt guilty about it, that was the second time the little voice in the back of my head was asking me if I was doing the right thing, if I was ok. The voice become a little bit louder each time I drank.

When I next went out, I felt different. I felt like I needed to force myself to get drunk to enjoy myself. This was when I thought alcohol might be becoming an issue. Now I’m not saying I’m addicted to it or rely on it, I just think that my relationship with alcohol might need a bit of work.

Being in your twenties, alcohol is a big influencer on your social life. When you catch up with people you say: “let’s go to a bar!”, or you go out a Friday or Saturday after the weeks done to celebrate, which seems like the norm. But my hangovers got worse and the Sundays kept getting wasted, poisoned with regret and shame, my mind always beating me up a bit for it. This was when I started to seriously think about my drinking. Even though I had only cancelled plans with someone the one time, it was a bit of a red flag for me. That night I said I’d only have one drink but it was two-for-one so of course I got two drinks and then I ended up tipsy and two turned into 6 and tequila. I let the alcohol make the decisions for me, I prioritised it above my rational thoughts, I let myself get drunk and neglect my promise to that person, and I felt guilty about it. They didn’t have an issue with it, but I was disappointed in myself, I thought it could be the beginning of a slippery slope. The next morning, I tried to shower away my hangover, I felt disgusting and ashamed and numb, so I had a cry about it, as you do. I hate the feeling after you have a night out, I always feel so emotionally drained and take a while to adjust back to normal, I asked myself “I have so many good things in my life, why do I feel happiest when I’m drunk?!” I hated it.

Then another night, I went to catch up with friends when I had work the next day: “I won’t drink, I have work” I told myself, but I got to the bar, everyone else was drinking so screw it I had a drink. I felt disappointed in myself again, it felt like I had no control over myself when alcohol was involved, like I couldn’t just not drink. And once I was drunk the lack of control just got worse, yeah sure I’ll have a smoke or five, I’ll say inappropriate things to people, yeah let’s do shots, I’ll be rude. It got to a point where I didn’t like the person I was when I was drunk, why did I do those things?

So I went sober for a bit, I went four weeks without drinking and you know what, my body felt good for it. It really did show me how much my social life associated with alcoholic use, I felt very antisocial in those four weeks. I barely saw anyone! But that was ok, it was good for me and having that time to reflect on myself was necessary.

This Saturday, I went out drinking for the first time since those four weeks, breaking my sobriety streak, and it was different. I found I drank a lot more slowly, so slowly in fact that I didn’t actually manage to get drunk! Which I was very surprised by, but you know what, I wasn’t sad about, I felt fucking fantastic the next day when I wasn’t hungover. And I still had a good time! I had good chats with new people and sang and danced and felt totally fine about the fact that I wasn’t drunk. Honestly this was a bit confusing for me, I’ve been drinking since I was 16/17 and every time you wanted to have a good night you’d get drunk, because that was what I was kind of taught by my peers, so having a good night without getting drunk was new. And I enjoyed it.

It’s weird that I’ve had this change of mind about alcohol, anyone would tell you that I don’t have anywhere near an alcohol problem but some indicators told me to just check myself, if you’ve noticed a few of these things maybe have a bit of a reflection on your own relationship with alcohol: 1. You can’t just have one drink, its none or a lot. 2. You felt regretful or ashamed the next day 3. You’ve prioritized drinking above other people or other plans you’ve made 4. Your drinking has caused problems within your relationships with other people or yourself 5. You have ‘blackouts’ (which I personally haven’t experienced) 6. You give in to the pressure of drinking at parties and bars even when you don’t want to drink. 7. You don’t like the person you are when you’re drunk.

Obviously, I’m not an expert on drinking. I just thought that I would share my own experience with relearning my relationship with it. I’m not planning on cutting it out of my life completely, I like the occasional drink, but I want to get to a good point with it where I won’t ever feel so out of control with alcohol again.

If you want to talk to someone a bit more helpful or educational, here’s some references: www.aa.org.nz www.alcohol.org.nz www.drughelp.org.nz www.mentalhealth.org.nz

Courtney.

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